Thursday Morning Quarterback: Episodes Four & Five

Thursday Morning Quarterback is a weekly attempt to humorously recap each new episode of Top Chef Texas on the Bravo Network (as if you didn’t know).
Beware; there are spoilers below!

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Editors Note: Yeah yeah yeah. Computer and DVR problems rule my life. Get over it.
Here we go:

EPISODE FOUR:

  • Gross- the competition is sponsored by “Healthy Choice”. I miss Glad Bags already.
  • Chiles, Chiles, Chiles- nothing makes me happier.
  • The Ghost Chile is NOT the hottest chile in the world. That would be the Guatemalan Insanity Pepper; grown in the jungle by inmates of an insane asylum.
  • Paul Qui goes for the ghost pepper. Go big or go home.
    (I typed that before he said it. Spooky)
  • I swear up and down that Richie was not born a male (Notthatthere’sanythingwrongwiththat); Mrs. Headchef is still on the fence about it. What do you think?
  • Who makes a fucking habanero popper? This ain’t TGIFridays. (Then she finishes in the top three, of course)
  • Woooooo! I’m telling you that Paul is not to be messed with.
  • ALL NIGHT TO COOK? Spoiled bastards.
  • Cubed chuck; onions; tomatoes; chili powder; a little corn masa; salt. Anything more and YOU INSULT THE GREAT STATE OF TEXAS!
  • Bwaaa! TOM!
  • I can’t believe they’re using brisket in their chili. What a waste of a luxurious cut of meat, especially considering that the long cooking time will cause the meat to disintegrate. I predict angry cowboys.
  • Peaches? PEACHES? This ain’t Fredricksburg.
  • One hour is not a lot of time to reheat chili without scorching it. I deal with that once a week at my restaurant job and it’s no party.
  • Kind of surprised that no team attempted a chili verde. Huh.
  • Huh. The brisket chili is stringy. Shocking.
  • BEANS HAVE NO BUSINESS IN CHILI! Ok- maybe in whatever yankee carpetbagger state you come from, but certainly not in Tix-ass.
  • “There’s no crying in cooking”-Nyesha. Yeah, not in front of any other chefs anyway.
  • Padma on a horse.
  • Ooh- double elimination challenge with the leftover chili. I suggest a walking taco.
  • Sad to see Richie go home. He had a very ambitious style, and I honestly thought he was a contender.

ON TO EPISODE FIVE:

  • 14 chefs remain. WHO YA GOT?
  • Moving on to Dallas. HOME OF THE COWBOYS! THE MAVERICKS! THE RANGERS! J.R. EWING! YEEEEEHAW!
  • “Isn’t Dolly Parton from Dallas?”- Beverly. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Every third Dolly song mentions she’s from the Smokey Mountains of Tennessee. You deserve to be eliminated on that dumb comment alone, you freaking crybaby.
  • Wow. Chris used to be a little on the husky side.
  • Road block. I feel like there are better uses for TX state troopers, namely, targeting out of state drivers with a ruthless efficiency.
  • You can use anything you find in the field? Does that include cow chips and mesquite?
  • You might as well run backwards through that cornfield, as that’s feedcorn unfit for human consumption, and you ain’t got time to nixtamalize it.
  • Oh wow, the corn was too dry. The corn from those drying stalks of feedcorn. Shocking.
  • Lindsey’s little soup and sandwich was cute. Glad she won the challenge. What the hell is a Vienna sausage, though?
  • STFU, Dakota. Nobody likes you.
  • That’s some hotel room. Some neighborhood. Some house. Nobody does classless opulence like Dallas.
  • No peppers or cilantro. Welcome to Dallas; a city most Texans find to be as Northeastern as Boston.
  • Dude in the pink shirt (gummy bear lover) went to his stylist and asked for the “Mark Cuban”.
  • During a bump the editors threw in a shot of Dealey Plaza. Classy. Strange that they didn’t highlight Ford’s Theater during Top Chef DC.
  • Wow, those are some ugly kitchens.
  • I think they’re singling out Beverly just to make her cry now.
  • Have I mentioned what a fierce competitor Paul is? I’m developing a serious mancrush.
  • “If you wanted it to look like a cigar, clearly it was a pretty poorly rolled one. Obviously little Dominican children did not make them”- Mrs Headchef
  • Oh wow, seared diver scallops. Nobody EVER makes those.
  • Dakota’s plate looks like a pile of monkey poop.
  • Nothing like an after-dinner margarita. Or ten.
  • PAUL DOMINATES AGAIN! AUSTIN REPRESENT!
  • Chuy really dropped the ball on this one. Sad, because I like a lot of his dishes.
  • Chris certainly let out his inner fat kid. Too bad that fat kid went to Old Country Buffet.
  • I really can’t believe that Chuy’s dish was worse than Chris’ dessert or the lame cigar. That’s a real shocker.

Okay, see you on time this Thursday morning. From the Southfork Ranch? AWESOME.

The Martes Chronicles: Something To Tide You Over

Stripped Bass Sashimi

So I’m still recovering from hip surgery and dealing with my life imploding. No lengthy tirade today, just a selection of photos from various projects and future articles (some of which you may have seen if you’ve taken the wise step to follow us on twitter). If you’re curious about any of the photos; drop us a line in the comment section and I’ll be happy to reveal recipes for them in future Tuesday posts.

You can expect a new recipe Monday morning, in time for the MNF Redskins-Cowboys matchup (Woot! Woot!) and The Martes Chronicles post will return to being posted early on Tuesdays.

Until then; enjoy some poorly lit food porn.

HandmadeWonton Noodle Soup with Grilled Marinated Tofu

 

Another wonton soup; this time with mock roasted pork and pre-made dumplings.

Passover Brisket

Rice Pilaf with Curry-Rubbed Grilled Chicken Thigh and Grilled Tomato

Handmade French Loaves

Rice Congee with Tea Eggs, Salted Plums, Kim Chi, Chiles and Peanuts

Cuban Sandwich with homemade Cuban-style Roasted Turkey, Turkey Ham, Swiss Cheese and Pickles on homemade Cuban Bread

Huevo Flamenca over Cheese Grits and Steamed Collards

Okonomiyaki (savory Japanese Pancake)

Cuban Picadillo with Rice, Fried Eggs, Fried Plantains and homemade Cuban Toast

Homemade Pimento Cheese with Crackers

Striped Bass Crudo

 

Striped Bass Poke

Pan-Roasted Duck in a Red Wine Reduction with Seared Apples, Roasted Root Vegetables and Sauteed Spinach.

Bacalao (Salt Cod) with Peppers, Tomatoes and Potatoes.

Handmade Squash Gnocchi with Radicchio.

Sauteed Broccolini with Walnuts and Grana Padano

Loco Moco (Hamburger and Fried Egg over Sushi Rice with Gravy)

 

All of the above dishes were made in a home kitchen, often the kitchen of a friend who didn’t always have the “necessary” equipment. I’m pretty sure that anyone reading this could pull a lot of these off with a little practice.

Especially the Italian food.

 

Reducer Podcast 108: Wanted; Breaded or Fried

The entire episode in one photo

In this untimely episode of the Reducer podcast, which was posted a full week after it might have been relevant, Brian, a bag of potatoes and Joe interview their first guest; pastry chef Brian Titus.

Topics include; Paula Deen; Poop diaries; Southern Food; the dangers of sweet tea & chai; pimento cheese; sea salt & corn syrup; the hippiefication of fast food; behind the scenes at KFC; Taco Bell meat; Jon Bon Jovi’s free restaurant; koshering a kitchen and much much more.

WARNING: Explicit Language. Not suitable for adults.

 

The Law Firm of Chicken & Dumplings

In my experience; Northerners have a tendency to screw up chicken and dumplings.That’s not to say I haven’t had decent versions of the dish north of the IHOP/Waffle House line, but they’re few and far between.

Southern chicken & dumplings, despite their many regional variations throughout the south, tend to be a rich, unctuous affair. More often then not the dumplings work overtime as the main attraction, filler and most importantly to provide a creaminess to the broth in the absence of milk or cream.

Northern (particularly Midwestern) chicken and dumplings are usually just chicken soup with a pile of Bisquick batter floated on top for the final half hour of cooking. It isn’t the worst thing, but once you’ve eaten the southern version, the Yankee equivalent just doesn’t satisfy as much on a cold winters night.

This recipe is fairly involved prep-wise, but once you have everything in the pot it’s incredibly low maintenance, plus you end up with a far richer-tasting dish then you’d expect from a bunch of stewed chicken and vegetables.

A note on butchering chicken: I really wanted to provide you with pictures on how to do this, but I didn’t have a camera operator handy and didn’t want to get salmonella all over my camera. The recipe calls for a whole chicken because you need to use the carcass for stock. If you’re absolutely terrified of butchering your own chicken; try to find a butchered one at your market that still has the ribs and back. If you can’t find that; pick up a couple of chicken necks and use those in place of the carcass.

You’re going to need the following:

  • 1 Whole Chicken, breasts, thighs, legs and wings separated- carcass split in half.
  • 1 lb of Carrots, washed (not peeled) and sliced into 2″ chunks
  • 1 bunch Celery, trimmed and sliced into 2″ pieces
  • 1 Onion, quartered
  • 1/4 cup Vegetable Oil
  • 2 1/2 quarts Water
  • Fresh Parsley, chopped
  • Kosher salt
  • Fresh Ground Pepper

For the Dumplings:

  • 3 cups All-Purpose Flour
  • 5 large eggs
  • 2 teaspoons Kosher Salt
  • 1/2 cup to 1&1/2 cups water

In a large stock pot; heat half of the vegetable oil on medium high. When the oil is hot; throw in your wings and split carcass (or neckbones if you’ve got them) and brown them on both sides.

 

 

 

 

Once browned; add the 2 1/2 quarts of water. Turn heat to high and bring to a boil. Skim any surface crud, cover and reduce to a low simmer for about an hour.

 

In a Dutch Oven or heavy skillet; heat the other half of the veggie oil on medium high.

Brown the rest of the chicken pieces; in batches if you don’t have enough room in the pan. Set chicken aside but keep the pan on the heat. Add the onions and sweat them out in the hot chicken fat until translucent, then set aside.

(Sweating the onions is really important if you use a slow cooker for the final steps, but do it regardless because it will just plain taste better)

Now that it’s probably been an hour; strain your stock and set it aside. Let the remaining chicken parts you just strained cool for a few minutes; then strip as much meat off the bones as you can.

Put that meat with the rest of your chicken and throw away the bones so your cat doesn’t choke on them.

Throw all your chicken, onions, carrots and celery into a stock pot or slow cooker. Fill it up with as much stock as possible and add 2 tablespoons of salt and 1 tablespoon each chopped parsley and fresh ground pepper.

If you’re making this on the stove; bring to a low boil (on high) then cover and simmer on low for 4 to 6 hours. If you’re making this in a slow cooker; do 2 hours on high and at least 3 hours on low.

Take this time to clean up all the chicken grease that no doubt splattered all over your stove top.

To make the dumplings:

45 minutes before you’re ready to serve; combine the flour and eggs in a large mixing bowl. Slowly add a half cup of water to the mixture and add more water (only if necessary) until it forms a sticky batter solid enough to manipulate with your hands.

Form the batter into balls (clods, really) no bigger than a golf ball (they will swell up during cooking) then dredge them in flour so that they’re fully dusted and dry to the touch.

Bring your stew up to medium high and gently place the dumplings on the top of the liquid.

IMPORTANT! DO NOT STIR THE DUMPLINGS INTO THE STEW!

Not unless you want flour-flavored chicken soup anyway. Instead; use a slotted spoon to gently submerge each of the dumplings just under the surface, just getting the tops of them wet with the top layer of chicken fat and stock.

Put a lid on it and simmer for about 35 minutes.

If you’re ready to serve but your dumplings are a little large and unwieldy; they should be tender enough for you to split them with a ladle.

A Note on Leftovers:

These are even better on the second day; but the dumplings have a tendency to suck up all the stock while sitting in the fridge. When this happens; I like to “Truck Stop” the dish by making a supplemental stock of water, bouillon and a little bit of Wondra flour, adding this to the leftover chicken and dumplings and reheating the whole mess on the stove in lieu of the microwave.

This creates almost an entirely different dish; closer in flavor to canned chicken and dumplings only better because you know where it came from.