The Martes Chronicles: In Queso You Were Wondering

Posted on October 30, 2012 by Headchef

It’s a fact repeated so often that it’s become slightly cliche: that great cuisines are forged in poverty. It’s no secret that people who are forced to do more with less every day tend to get really good at that thing. It’s easy to forget that throughout human history, and for much of the world population now, the ingredients you had at hand were first of all dictated by geography and climate and secondly by your level of poverty. Cooking processes all developed in the various regions of the world in order to maximize limited fuel resources. Dishes that we often call ‘comfort food’ are enjoyed because they underwent a process of refinement through being cooked and served to hungry people almost every day of the week, generation after generation.

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Homemade Focaccia

A look at any high-end restaurant menu will show that many of the dishes and ingredients we celebrate now as ‘gourmet’ were once considered subsistence food for the poor people of the world. Polenta is just a simple mush that has fed Northern Italians since Roman times (when it was usually made from chestnuts; corn didn’t arrive until the colonization of the Americas). Lobster used to be fed to French prisoners. Slow-food staples like Pot-au-feu are all about stretching a few simple ingredients into something otherworldly.

I bring this up because I’ve been poor as shit lately. Not to the point where I’m eating clay in order to gain nutrients, but certainly at a point of more limited resources than I’ve been since I was much younger. Fortunately I know way more about food and cooking than I did in my teens and early twenties, so my lack of disposable income (especially when it comes to food) has become a really excellent opportunity to stretch my skills to the limit.

From-Scratch Neapolitan Pizza

Because of this I’ve been cooking a lot of Italian food. Making bread and pasta completely from scratch is something I’ve dabbled in from time to time, but having to make it day in and day out in order to have a meal outside of work has been a crash course in developing technique. I’ve extended the noodle making to Chinese food as well; rolling out hand-cut noodles and stir-frying them with ginger, garlic, scallions and soy.

I feel I’ve been eating better than when I had a hundred extra bucks every month to have someone else bake my bread, make my pasta or roast my chickens. The money I save is nice, but what really feels great is the calorie burn. When you spend the better part of the day putting serious energy into what you cook; you can go a little heavier on the extra bread and butter.

Chicken Cacciatore with Homemade Pappardelle

I’d like to give you a recipe for some of these things I’ve been working on, but the truth is I’m still trying to formulate a system for myself. Plus, I’m not eating like this every day. Sometime I just want something kind of terrible to eat while I watch another terrible Cowboys game.

I want Queso Dip. So I make it myself from scratch without any processed cheese. Here’s the trick:

You will need:

2 Cups Whole Milk
3 Tablespoons Butter
3 Tablespoons Flour
1/2 Teaspoon Salt
1 1/2 Cups Cheddar Cheese* (shredded)
1/2 Cup Parmesan Cheese (shredded or grated)
1/4 Cup Chili Garlic Sauce or Sriracha

*I used a red-wine cheddar from Tratante Jose’s and I highly recommend you find something similar. It may sound weird, but the red wine note with the sharp cheddar does a pretty good job of imitating Velveeta’s sharpness without the nasty chemical components.

Here’s what you do:

In a medium sauce pan; melt the butter over medium-high heat.
As soon as it’s melted; whisk in the flour and salt.
Keep whisking until the flour is lightly toasted; about three minutes.
Add the milk and whisk constantly over high heat until it begins to boil.

Turn down the heat to a simmer and whisk it every minute or so till it reduces by a quarter and begins to thicken up.

At the point where it’s roughly gravy-consistency; begin whisking in the cheese a couple tablespoons at a time; make sure each batch you throw in melts completely before you add the next.

Once all the cheese is melted in, quickly whisk in the chili sauce/siriacha and remove from the heat. Pour into a bowl (or even a small slow-cooker set to low), dip some chips in that sucker and wonder aloud to a compassionless universe why Dallas can’t beat Eli Manning at home.

Huevos Fritos with Homemade Garlic Toast and Sauteed Arugula

So as I progress with my experimenting; I’ll keep you updated. If you’re curious about specific dishes that you want me to write up in the future; let me know in the talkbacks.

The Martes Chronicles: I’d Gladly Brisket All

Posted on September 18, 2012 by Headchef

The Aftermath.

It’s the best time of the year.
Football is on, the leaves are changing and hoodie-weather is in full swing. Work and the constant tumult of the High Holy Days make my off-time all the more special. This is one of the reasons I prefer this time of year for barbecuing; even more so than in the summer.

Granted, nothing says summer like firing up the grill, throwing a few burgers and hot dogs on the flames and drinking yourself into oblivion. The emphasis with summer barbecuing is typically on the social aspect, with the food you grill being simple enough for a drunk person to handle. With the onset of autumn, the chillier weather combined with the need to sustain oneself through 4 to 16 hours of football watching over the course weekend create a perfect storm for big-project grilling scenarios.

The NFL Kickoff earlier this month happened to be a matchup between the New York Football Giants of East Rutherford, New Jersey and the Dallas Cowboys (SPOILER ALERT! It was probably the best game Dallas will have all year). Because I am an unapolgetic slurper of all things Texas (that don’t come from Houston) and a lifelong Cowboys fan I hosted a party for the viewing of said game.

For this party I decided to smoke some meat. Texas style.

Central Texas barbecue is very specific regional style notable for its Bohemian origins, spartan side dishes and an aversion to spoiling good meat with cloying sauces. Throughout Texas, beef is king, but in Central Texas the most popular cuts are shoulder (or Clod) and that cut beloved to Jews and Texans alike- the brisket.

This required a great deal of preparation, planning and a a fair amount of good luck. I used a Webber charcoal grill that’s older than I am and a few handfuls of charcoal briquettes. The only temperature gauge I had was a meat thermometer that topped at 190°, so most of the cooking I had to do between 225° and 250° involved me guessing based on time spent in front of ovens.

The result was the juciest, best tasting meat I’ve ever cooked. The 20 odd people who watched the game with me agreed. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

First of all I had a great recipe to work with. It’s from my dog-eared copy of Saveur’s Texas issue. I’d already read that recipe a few times before I attempted it. I’d cooked plenty of brisket in the meantime, mostly oven-braised for various Jewish holidays, but never attempted smoking anything more time-consuming than a three-hour chicken.

My Passover Brisket.

With this attempt I re-read that recipe three or four times in the week leading up to the party and constantly referred back to it during the process. Part of that was due to the steady stream of alcohol I began imbibing the morning of the party when I was up early stoking the grill; tailgating the television. The recipe seems simple with its nine steps, but it’s essentially a 20 hour process that requires a lot more guesswork and improvisation then is immediately apparent. Getting really familiar on paper with what you’re doing is recommended.

I bought two 3.25 lb briskets because I expected to feed a lot of people. It wasn’t cheap, but this is NFL Kickoff. And a Cowboys game. I mean… c’mon. Anyway, the night before the party I mixed up a dry rub of certain proportions and ingredients which I am not interested in sharing with you. I will tell you what kinds of things I put in it, and trust you’ll have the good judgement to formulate your own blend.
In no particular order:

Brown or Raw Sugar
Salt (Kosher or Seasoned)
Dry Mustard Powder
Paprika (Sweet, Smoked, Hot)
Black Pepper
Ground Chile Peppers (Cayenne, Pequin, Chipotle)

My only further reccomendation with a rub is not to go too heavy on the salt, sugar or chiles as they could overpower or toughen the meat. And don’t use Chili Powder, which usually contains oregano and cumin and will drastically change the flavor profile of your meat.

After rinsing the meat under cold water and patting it dry with paper towells; I rubbed the meat down with a solid coat of dry rub and left them covered in the fridge all night.
While the fat-soluable chile powders soaked into the meat I poured three quarters of a bottle of Everclear into a large mason jar and threw eight black tea bags into the jar. After an hour I strained the dark-brown concentrate back into the original Everclear bottle.

Concentrate.

The next day mixed 1 part Black Tea Everclear with 4 parts good Lemonade over lots of ice. It was a taste sensation. I should know; I drank four of them that day.

So, 10 in the morning the day of the party I start a football-size pile of charcoal in one corner of my grill. After about an hour (once the coals had burned down to gray) I topped them with two cups of soaked mesquite chips and let them burn down until they produced white smoke.

I placed a pan of water next to them and set the briskets over the water and as far away from the heat as possible, covering with both vents oven and the top vent over the meat.

At the start.

I pretty much followed the Saveur recipe as it’s written for the rest of the afternoon, substituting my own judgement for the temps in the grill and the meat. I recommend you get a good digital thermometer for your first attempt at any barbecuing. You might not be as lucky as I was and end up with, at best, something resembling jerky.

Hour 4.

In order to pad people’s stomachs I made a bunch of sides. A homemade barbecue sauce to be added only as a condiment for cooked meat. In the Central Texas style, it was a vinegar and ketchup-based sauce with Dr. Pepper for a touch of sweetness. I made a pot of vegetarian pinto beans disguised as chili. I braised and pulled apart a bunch of chicken thighs in a sauce made mostly of reconstituted, pureed chipotle chiles, garlic and chicken stock.

For the brisket I put out the classic sides of Bimbo white bread and saltine crackers (I think I was too drunk to open the sweet pickle jar at this point). Close to the end of the first quarter; I pulled the foil-wrapped briskets off the cold grill they had been resting on for the last hour.

When I took my first slice (AGAINST THE GRAIN!) I had a moment of panic, as it appeared a little dry to me. As I continued slicing away, the grayish end closest to the heat gave way to perfect, pink-ringed slices of juicy smoked meat.

This was the only picture taken before the feeding frenzy.

It was unbelievable. People devoured it. I threw a few choice (read: gristly and fatty) pieces in a white bread taco and switched to beer for the remainder of the game. I ended up not really getting to pig out on it until I finished the leftovers the following day; this time with all the proper accouterments.

I also needed to whip up some mashed potatoes for all that jus.

I can’t describe how good it was. I don’t think I’ve ever tasted barbecue brisket this good outside of Texas, and yet I did it with minimal experience and tools and a head full of pure grain alchohol. You could do it too. Heck, you don’t even have to be watching a Cowboys game.

Take it through the fire; for a chance to brisket all. You’ll be happy you did.

Frito Pie: Monday Night Football Edition

Posted on September 26, 2011 by Headchef

Get it?

In just over an hour; the Dallas Cowboys (whooooo!) will host their most hated rival; the Washington ~~RACIST TEAM NAME REDACTED~~ in a classic Monday Night Matchup. Until I move to Texas; I have to be content with only watching the six to eight nationally televised Cowboys games a season. Monday night games, especially versus Washington, are particularly special, and so I celebrate them with appropriately Texan football food.

Frito Pie is the more highfalutin version of the classic Walking Taco (something I mentioned near the end of this article) and is perfect for a Monday night game when you don’t have much time to cook after you get home from work.
It’s so simple that even a ~~RACIST TEAM NAME REDACTED~~ fan could make it.

If he wasn't full of boiled peanuts and smoked ham, that is.

Here’s the rundown:

Ingredients:

1 large bag of Fritos
2 cans bad chili (seriously; don’t waste the good stuff on this one)
1 block Sharp Cheddar Cheese
Beer (for drinking)

Optional:

Chopped onions
Jalapenos
Olives
Sour Cream

Ok. Preheat your oven to 350. Dump the Fritos in a deep casserole dish.Dump the chili on top of the chips. Shred the cheese on top of that and bake it for 5-10 minutes, depending on how done you like your cheese.

That’s it. That’s the whole thing. Now drink beer and yell at your TV every time they break another one of Tony Romo’s ribs.

For dessert? Guava and cheese empanadas. Here’s everything you need for that:

Do I really need to explain this one to you?

Have fun. I’m gonna go watch some football.

The Martes Chronicles: What’s So Hard About Eating a Taco?

Posted on July 26, 2011 by Headchef

The small handful of you that follow us on Twitter or listen to the podcast might be familiar with my gripe about the “Walk-A-Taco“; a local food item currently being promoted at Target Field.

Despite being the product of Saint Paul’s iconic Latin market, El Burrito Mercado, the Walk-a-Taco is essentially everything that Americans get wrong with Mexican food compounded into a conical travesty of shredded lettuce and ground beef. The supreme wrongness of the concept, along with the condescending tone in which it’s marketed to Target Field patrons, reaches a level of stupidity so epic that my body is unable to produce the sarcasm necessary to express how much it bothers me.

I’ll try anyway.

Stupid Thing #1: The Concept.

According to El Burrito Mercado’s Tomas Silva; this conical abomination was created with the intention to “Make it so people could enjoy good Mexican food in an easier format”. I’ll get into how not-Mexican the actual contents are in a moment; but for now I want to focus on the forehead-slapping stupidity of the above statement.

An “easier format”. AN EASIER FORMAT?

Is there an easier cuisine on earth to eat than Mexican food? Were the people of Minnesota clamoring for an easier vehicle in which to deliver ground beef and onions into their mouths? Should we add “eating the world’s simplest street food” to the list of things Minnesotans can’t do, along with “navigate a four-way Stop sign” or “win a Super Bowl*”?

*Burn.

Being a non-native Minnesotan; I give the locals a lot of crap for being dumb; but always with the caveat that they’re mostly smart with a tendency to do dumb things. Sure they vote wrastlers and unemployed comedians to public office; but there’s plenty of good museums, theaters and schools to make up for it. They’re not Missouri or Oklahoma dumb, more like Massachusetts dumb.

But to take something like a taco, which is purpose built for holding in your hand while you eat it, and somehow find a way to dumb it down because “DURRRR! EATING TACOS MAKES MY BRAIN HURT!” drags this state to Mississippi-levels of dumbassery.

Look! Here’s a four year old eating a taco while standing up. Notice how he’s not crying for his mommy to show him how to do it. Notice how he’s not having any kind of aneurism due to the complex logistics involved in taco eating.

Now perhaps the Minnesota contingent reading this will argue; “But Headchef! Clearly this boy is some kind of child prodigy future rocket surgeon. Eating a taco while standing is not something that any idiot can do!”

I submit the following evidence to the contrary:

Pictured: Two idiots eating tacos while standing.

Stupid Thing #2: The Execution

A quick browsing of my iTunes library will demonstrate to anyone that I have a high tolerance, nay- a love, of lowbrow trash. One thing I am ruthlessly snobbish about, however, is Mexican food.

Growing up in the Southwest and California, having Mexican half-siblings and learning to cook from these family members instilled in me a deep and abiding love for authentic Mexican cuisine in all its variations. I dig Tex-Mex food as well, but I’ve known since I was about 6 that if your taco/tostada/burrito is covered in shredded lettuce, cheddar cheese and sour cream- then it ain’t really Mexican food, tasty as it may be.

That’s the other thing that infuriates me about the Walk-a-Taco; is that almost nothing about it bears any resemblance to a taco. Head down I35 to Laredo some time, purchase yourself a flak jacket and head across the border to get a taco.

If you order from a stand where Mexicans are eating; the first thing you’ll notice is that your tacos, in addition to costing roughly 12 cents each, look like this:

Lengua Taco on Home-made Tortilla

That’s some braised cow tongue on a handmade SOFT CORN tortilla, garnished simply with chopped onion and cilantro. If you want to go really crazy you can throw some salsa or a thin taqueria guacamole on there; but anything else is essentially gilding the lily.

The Walk-a-taco eschews simplicity, authenticity and good taste for the Midwestern standby of PILING ON THE CHEESE AND TOPPINGS!

First off- the whole thing is stuffed into a fried flour tortilla. This makes sense from a structural standpoint considering the mess of toppings within, but is a big fail in the nomenclature department, as the the fried flour shell would put it more in chimichanga territory than anything else.

Further investigation from this guy’s excellent review reveals the ugly truth: The Walk-a-taco is, in fact, less a taco than a taco salad. Apparently once you drop below the ground beef facade and into the tortilla itself; the contents are mostly shredded lettuce dressed in vinaigrette!

For those of you keeping score at home; the cumulative offenses of the Walk-a-Taco are as follows:

Fried flour tortilla
Ground beef
Shredded lettuce
Cheddar cheese
Sour cream
Chopped tomatoes
The perfunctory addition of jalapenos and cilantro
Motherfucking salad dressing

The most offensive detail comes courtesy of Josh’s review; that the Walk-a-Taco not only comes with a fork, but requires one in order to be eaten.

WHAT THE FUCK?

To review: The “taco” designed to make Mexican food “more accessible” and “easier to eat” is neither more accessible or easier to eat than an actual taco, nor is it remotely Mexican. The Walk-a-Taco is an absolute failure of concept, execution and delivery.

It’s a fucked-out boondoggle of a food item that could barely be eaten sitting on the couch in front of the TV; let alone at the ballpark it was intended to be eaten at. A cold seafood tower makes more sense as ballpark fare than this faux-Mexican abortion in a cone.

The most infuriating part is that if they really wanted to have a ballpark-ready Tex-Mex item that’s a portable mess of ground beef, cheese and sour cream; they could have simply used the one that already exists.

It’s called the Walking Taco. It’s a bag of corn chips (usually Fritos) cut open with a bunch of Tex-Mex toppings like chili and cheese dumped on top of them. They’re popular all over the Southwest at rodeos and football games, and while they do require a fork to eat, you can actually eat them while standing or walking.

I really wish I could have been present at the meeting where they decided an inedible mess of a taco salad served in a giant Bugle made more sense at Target Field than a Tex-Mex classic with practically the SAME FUCKING NAME.

No doubt they spent enough time watching the locals struggle with four way Stop signs and decided they didn’t want to risk customers suffocating themselves with the chip bag.

….

I went to Target Field for the third time this year and saw plenty of suckers carrying Walk-a-Tacos around. Not in their hands, mind you. No, they needed a cardboard stand to hold them in while they brought their shit-in-a-tortilla back to their seats.

Two days later I made flank steak tacos for a friend’s birthday; complete with handmade tortillas. We found ourselves outside on my porch watching the Aquatennial fireworks while we were eating. The view necessitated that we stand up while eating our tacos and, shockingly, no one broke their neck doing so.

Anyway; if you want to know how to make a taco that doesn’t suck; here’s the recipe for tacos de lengua. Try not to kill yourselves eating them.

Reducer Podcast 102: Fun’s Fun, But Seriously We Love Mexicans

Posted on February 18, 2011 by Headchef

Every joke in this episode compiled into one picture.

In the second episode of the ever-regressing Reducer Podcast; Brian, Jawn and Joe discuss the food they cooked for the Super Bowl, argue over ethnic salts, weigh the cultural importance of TV’s Jenna Von Oy, introduce our “Hack of the Week” segment and debate the eternal struggle between cake and pie. In between tales from behind the bar; Jawn ties Black History Month to food and George Washington Carver’s invention of the Nut Goodie

Tecate is the sheeeet.

As always, there’s plenty of inappropriate language, terrible peanut puns and vaguely racist jokes about Mexicans. On the plus side there’s lots of good bits about Mexican Beer, Hawaiian food and why it’s hard for a man to get a job cooking on the quinceañera circuit.

Warning: Explicit Language. Not suitable for adults.

Reducer Podcast 102: Fun's Fun, But Seriously We Love Mexicans [ 1:09:43 ] Play Now | Play in Popup | Download

Tacos That Kiss You Back

Posted on February 7, 2011 by Headchef

Like making out with a cow.

If my Cowboys had played at home in this Super Bowl, I would have made chili.

Tix-ass chili; made with cubed chuck, onions, chili powder, tomato and nothing else. Kick-your-ass chili befitting of a Dallas Super Bowl; no doubt culminating in Tony Romo hoisting the Lombardi trophy in front of a cheering crowd.

Obviously that never materialized. The Cowboys sucked more than usual this year, so chili just seemed too festive for a Super Bowl where the Stealers might win another trophy (spoiler alert: So awesome that they didn’t!). I ended up making tacos de lengua (beef tongue tacos) because they still fit the Texas theme along with being relatively cheap, easy to make and incredibly tasty with a cold beer (or six).

People who didn’t grow up eating tongue might be grossed out by the idea of eating part of the cows digestive tract. I can only tell you squeamish folk that you’re missing out on one of the tastiest parts of the cow.

I personally think eating tongue is way less gross than eating a hotdog, but whatever.

You’re going to need the following:

3 1/2 lb beef tongue (Any reputable Mexican or Jewish butcher will have this)
1 large yellow onion, quartered
1 whole head of garlic, peeled. Half of cloves left whole, half chopped roughly.
4 bay leaves
1 teaspoon whole black peppercorns
1 teaspoon each: Mexican oregano, smoked paprika, chili powder
1 tablespoon raw sugar
1 tablespoon shoyu or tamari
1 tablespoon whole pequin chilis
2 teaspoons fennel seed
Kosher salt to taste
Soft corn tortillas
Cilantro

Put the whole tongue, onion, peppercorns, bay leaves and whole cloves of garlic in a large pot and fill it with cold water. Add a tablespoon of kosher salt and bring to a boil.

Cover the pot and simmer on medium low for 2 hours. While that simmers; heat up a pan (steel or cast iron) on medium-high without any oil in it.

Toss in the fennel and pequin chilies; stirring them quickly with a wooden spoon until they begin to get toasted (about 2 minutes)

Transfer the toasted spices to a mortar and pestle, molcajete or food processor. Add a pinch of kosher salt and grind the spices into a reasonably uniform powder.

After two hours of simmering; the tongue should look like a 97 Jordan

After two hours; pull tongue from pot set out to cool for a few minutes. Take the pot of liquid the tongue boiled in off the heat, but keep it handy.

Peel outer layer of tongue away with a sharp knife. It should come right off.

Heat a dutch oven or pan with a lid to medium high with a tablespoon of oil in it. Slice the tongue crosswise into 1 inch slices. Fry the slices a couple at a time until browned on each side. Keep them set aside on a plate until all the tongue pieces are browned.

When finished frying slices; turn heat off but keep the remaining fat in the pan.

Chop the slices into even sized one-inch cubes and set aside.

Heat reserved beef fat in pan back up to medium high and add chopped garlic. Stir with wooden spoon for a minute and a half; making sure the garlic doesn’t burn.

Add oregano, paprika, chili powder and pequin/fennel powder. Stir for another minute.

Add the chopped tongue and stir around in the chili mixture.

Add the sugar and shoyu. Stir around quickly for 30 seconds. Add three cups of the reserved cooking liquid you made the tongue in; turn heat up to high and bring to a boil.

Once it begins to boil; give it a stir; cover it and bring the heat down to medium-low.

Here’s where you can get a little creative.

You’ll want to simmer the tongue for at least another hour; stirring occasionally to keep it from scorching; but for the most part it should be okay on its own.

I say an hour at a minimum. That should be all it takes to get a nice flavor and texture; but you should still have a pretty good amount of the cooking liquid left over. You could potentially nurse the braise for several hours; letting it reduce to a thicker sauce before adding a ladle or two of liquid to thin it out a bit; then reducing it again.

Repeating this process would develop and concentrate the flavors really nicely, and because the tongue is such a sturdy piece of meat, the number of times you do it are limited only by your patience.

However long you decide to cook your tongue, your end product should look something like the above photo. Heat up some corn tortillas (or better yet, make them yourself), tear up some cilantro and pick out a hot sauce.

Then make these pickled onions this or any other time you make Mexican food.

Slice two onions (one red, one white) and throw them in a pan. Cover them with cold water and bring them to a boil.

Once boiled drain them immediately and put them in a glass bowl with:

two cups white vinegar
one teaspoon salt
two bay leaves
1/2 teaspoon ground allspice

Mix it, cover it and put it in the fridge. Best after a day but ready to serve after three hours.

Do yourself a favor and don’t put any cheese on it; you’d just be gilding the lily.

Crack open a cold beer and enjoy your tacos with some pickled carrots that you made the same way as the onions; you suave and sophisticated so and so.