Ow-ah skyline is gritty-ah than you-ah skyline!

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I don’t have a tremendous amount of love for the state commonwealth of Massachusetts.
I have family there; I’ve lived there; I’ve even been thrown out of a couple schools there. But like Homer Simpson in New York, bad things always seem to happen to me in Massachusetts, and Boston in particular.

Oh, excuse me, I meant Baaaahs-tan. Sacred centah of facking REDSAWX WELKAH NATION! THE TAAAAWN OF FIGHTAHS!

Boston brings up a lot of mixed feelings for me. For the most part it’s a lovely city. Beautiful neighborhoods, nice restaurants and a rich connection to American history make it a town worth seeing at least once. On the other hand; Boston is pretty much what you get when you take New York City; remove most of its ethnic diversity and replace it with clones of Frasier Crane and THIS guy:

WEEEEEELKAAAAAAAAAH!

Boston is a town with an inferiority complex so deeply woven into its cultural tapestry that they make Chicagoans seem slightly less provincial. For a city that rubs its connection to the American Revolution in everybody’s face, they certainly seem to have less of a problem with draconian tax policy, political corruption and social engineering than they had 200+ years ago.This is also a city that prides itself on the loyalty of their “die-haaaahd” sports fans, and yes, their beisbol fans are very serious, possibly the most vocal in the country, but their run of championships in all the major professional sports leagues over the last decade has dimmed memories a bit.

It used to be Red Sawx and Celtics and nothing else and HOLY CRAP WE HAVE A FOOTBAAAHL TEAM! AND THEY’VE WON THREE SUPAAAAH BOWLS!

I know this because when I lived and visited Massachusetts frequently in the mid-nineties, all their teams sucked, with the perpetual-bridesmaid Sawx being the only show in town. When I visited for the first time in over a decade this last summer; I saw an awful lot of pristine Bruins jerseys and Pats throwbacks with the tag still on them.

Rockport, MA

We didn’t spend all our time in Beantown. Mostly we explored some of the seaside towns north of the big city: Salem, Gloucester and Rockport. We saw our share of “quaint” and “distinctive” villages, salty locals in Sawx hats and fishstick factories.

Gorton's Fishtick Factory: Gloucester, MA

In all seriousness; it was nicer than I expected it to be. The setting is beautiful (and I don’t even like the ocean that much), the people seem to be genuinely friendly and the food is pretty damn good. If you’re like me, however, and you don’t eat shellfish, you’re going to run into some problems finding something on a menu that won’t incite anaphylaxis/anger your sky-deity.

Haddock: f***ing get used to it.

Interestingly; Massachusetts state law requires sufferers of shellfish allergies to identify themselves to the server and for management to speak with the customer on the subject. At nearly every sit-down restaurant we went to I would have a brief interview with either a floor manager or chef on the severity of my allergy, and they would suggest whichever Haddock dish I could order off the menu. The one time I was shy about it and just decided to order whatever looked safe without alerting the waiter was the only night I had a reaction.

I normally disagree with states micromanaging the restaurant business, but in a state where even the ice in your drink has lobster in it, it’s not the worst idea.

Pictured: A Gloucester Sno-Cone

One thing Massachusetts has on everywhere else is the ubiquity of Dunkin Donuts.

FACKIN DUNKIN-NATION!

You know that Simpsons where Bart walks into the mall and every store is a Starbucks? You cannot walk 50 yards in any Massachusetts town without passing a Dunkin Donuts. This is not a complaint. I miss my Dunkin; they don’t have it anywhere near me; it’s a real treat and their coffee is underrated. It is a little weird how they changed the name of the airport in Boston from Logan to Dunkin, but I suppose that’s better than FACKIN LARRY-LEGEND-WOODHEAD-WELKAH-DUNKIN-PEDROYAH International Airport.

The joke is that they don't think through names very well.

Then there was the fishing.
I’m not a big fisherman, but when given the opportunity to get up at the crack of dawn with a stomach full of Dunkin and do some ocean fishing, I jumped at it. I never caught a thing, shlimazel that I am, but two members of my party each a caught 30″+ stripped bass that they kept, and two huge bluefish they threw back.

The freshest sashimi you'll ever eat.

Beautifully; the guys running the boat were happy to butcher the fish on the ride back to port (for a small portion of the catch). At one point they had to tend to boat-business, so my cousin (who took us on this trip in the first place) finished the job for them, rinsing the freshly cut pieces in the ocean water and handing them off for us to eat.

How the sausage is made...

It was easily the freshest fish I’d ever eaten. When we came ashore we headed straight for the grocery store to pick up a few components to dress up our catch.
Here’s a selection of what I whipped up for everybody:

Stripped Bass Sashimi

• Wrap your fish steak in plastic wrap and put in freezer for 15 minutes.
• Remove from freezer. Slice thinly with sharp knife against the grain.
• Serve with shoyu and wasabi.

Stripped Bass Crudo

• Wrap your fish steak in plastic wrap and put in freezer for 15 minutes.
• Remove from freezer. Slice thickly (roughly 1″) with sharp knife against the grain.
• Dress with olive oil, lemon juice, salt and pepper.

• 

  Stripped Bass Poke

  • Cut fish into bite size cubes.
  • Dress with shoyu, rice vinegar, sesame oil and scallions to taste.
  • Because this isn’t real Hawaiian Poke- be sure to pronounce it the way they do in Massachusetts- as if it’s something you do on Facebook.
  

  Stripped Bass Ceviche

  • Cut fish into slightly larger than bite size cubes.
  • Add some sliced purple onion, some chopped cilantro, a little chopped jalapeno, salt & pepper and enough lime juice to cover the whole mixture.
  • Marinate in the lime juice for a minimum of 45 minutes.
  • Serve with chopped avocados and corn nuts/parched corn.

Last breakfast in Rockport

So that was it. Just a few days out east and then back to the Midwest where a massive heatwave was waiting for us. Next week here at Reducer: Miami.

In Massachusetts: only Kennedys are allowed to play football on the beach.