Thursday Morning Quarterback: Episodes Four & Five

Posted on December 4, 2011 by Headchef

Thursday Morning Quarterback is a weekly attempt to humorously recap each new episode of Top Chef Texas on the Bravo Network (as if you didn’t know).
Beware; there are spoilers below!

Editors Note: Yeah yeah yeah. Computer and DVR problems rule my life. Get over it.
Here we go:

EPISODE FOUR:

Gross- the competition is sponsored by “Healthy Choice”. I miss Glad Bags already.
Chiles, Chiles, Chiles- nothing makes me happier.
The Ghost Chile is NOT the hottest chile in the world. That would be the Guatemalan Insanity Pepper; grown in the jungle by inmates of an insane asylum.
Paul Qui goes for the ghost pepper. Go big or go home.
(I typed that before he said it. Spooky)
I swear up and down that Richie was not born a male (Notthatthere’sanythingwrongwiththat); Mrs. Headchef is still on the fence about it. What do you think?
Who makes a fucking habanero popper? This ain’t TGIFridays. (Then she finishes in the top three, of course)
Woooooo! I’m telling you that Paul is not to be messed with.
ALL NIGHT TO COOK? Spoiled bastards.
Cubed chuck; onions; tomatoes; chili powder; a little corn masa; salt. Anything more and YOU INSULT THE GREAT STATE OF TEXAS!
Bwaaa! TOM!
I can’t believe they’re using brisket in their chili. What a waste of a luxurious cut of meat, especially considering that the long cooking time will cause the meat to disintegrate. I predict angry cowboys.
Peaches? PEACHES? This ain’t Fredricksburg.
One hour is not a lot of time to reheat chili without scorching it. I deal with that once a week at my restaurant job and it’s no party.
Kind of surprised that no team attempted a chili verde. Huh.
Huh. The brisket chili is stringy. Shocking.
BEANS HAVE NO BUSINESS IN CHILI! Ok- maybe in whatever yankee carpetbagger state you come from, but certainly not in Tix-ass.
“There’s no crying in cooking”-Nyesha. Yeah, not in front of any other chefs anyway.
Padma on a horse.
Ooh- double elimination challenge with the leftover chili. I suggest a walking taco.
Sad to see Richie go home. He had a very ambitious style, and I honestly thought he was a contender.

ON TO EPISODE FIVE:

14 chefs remain. WHO YA GOT?
Moving on to Dallas. HOME OF THE COWBOYS! THE MAVERICKS! THE RANGERS! J.R. EWING! YEEEEEHAW!
“Isn’t Dolly Parton from Dallas?”- Beverly. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Every third Dolly song mentions she’s from the Smokey Mountains of Tennessee. You deserve to be eliminated on that dumb comment alone, you freaking crybaby.
Wow. Chris used to be a little on the husky side.
Road block. I feel like there are better uses for TX state troopers, namely, targeting out of state drivers with a ruthless efficiency.
You can use anything you find in the field? Does that include cow chips and mesquite?
You might as well run backwards through that cornfield, as that’s feedcorn unfit for human consumption, and you ain’t got time to nixtamalize it.
Oh wow, the corn was too dry. The corn from those drying stalks of feedcorn. Shocking.
Lindsey’s little soup and sandwich was cute. Glad she won the challenge. What the hell is a Vienna sausage, though?
STFU, Dakota. Nobody likes you.
That’s some hotel room. Some neighborhood. Some house. Nobody does classless opulence like Dallas.
No peppers or cilantro. Welcome to Dallas; a city most Texans find to be as Northeastern as Boston.
Dude in the pink shirt (gummy bear lover) went to his stylist and asked for the “Mark Cuban”.
During a bump the editors threw in a shot of Dealey Plaza. Classy. Strange that they didn’t highlight Ford’s Theater during Top Chef DC.
Wow, those are some ugly kitchens.
I think they’re singling out Beverly just to make her cry now.
Have I mentioned what a fierce competitor Paul is? I’m developing a serious mancrush.
“If you wanted it to look like a cigar, clearly it was a pretty poorly rolled one. Obviously little Dominican children did not make them”- Mrs Headchef
Oh wow, seared diver scallops. Nobody EVER makes those.
Dakota’s plate looks like a pile of monkey poop.
Nothing like an after-dinner margarita. Or ten.
PAUL DOMINATES AGAIN! AUSTIN REPRESENT!
Chuy really dropped the ball on this one. Sad, because I like a lot of his dishes.
Chris certainly let out his inner fat kid. Too bad that fat kid went to Old Country Buffet.
I really can’t believe that Chuy’s dish was worse than Chris’ dessert or the lame cigar. That’s a real shocker.

Okay, see you on time this Thursday morning. From the Southfork Ranch? AWESOME.

Thursday Morning Quarterback: Episode Three

Posted on November 17, 2011 by Headchef

Thursday Morning Quarterback is a weekly attempt to humorously recap each new episode of Top Chef Texas on the Bravo Network (as if you didn’t know).
Beware; there are spoilers below!

Here we go with the sweet sixteen! Let’s get to it.

Paul Qui is an early favorite for me, and not just cause I’ve eaten at one of his restaurants.
I love how they’re ignoring H-Town for this season. Huck Fouston.
Don’t be shocked by Keith Rhodes past in prison. Cooking is the # 1 profession among ex cons. No joke.
Cobraaaaas!
I’ve cooked and eaten snake a couple of times in the Idaho desert. The amazing thing about them is how little effort they require to make a tasty dish. You can poach a whole snake in salted water and the end product tastes like herb-roasted chicken.
I dig Beverly’s rattlesnake nigiri. I would seriously consider suspending my kosher status to try it.
I’ve mentioned on a few podcasts how my dream is to cook the quinceañera circuit. Still waiting for that to happen.
So whoever gets stuck with the cake is going home? Maybe not. Can you tell I write this as I watch the episode?
I can’t wait till they go to the monster flagship Whole Foods in Austin. It’s the Death Star of community supported agriculture.
Three hours is not a good amount of time for prepping Mexican food. It takes me three days total to make a mole from scratch, including stock. No way their mole is going to nearly as good as it could be.
How does a seafood guy decide to purchase cooked shrimp? Unbelievable.
Dakota’s cake looks like the clothes my grandmother bought me in the 80′s.
They didn’t hand-make the tortillas? Hacks. All of them.
Why is Hugh dressed like Forrest Gump?
This girl knows her chicharon.
Ewww. Tilapia ceviche? UNCOOKED GARBAGE FISH!
“Like it or not; Keith has made a burrito”. Well put, Hugh.
Glad to see the judges are as upset about the prefab tortillas as I am.
Chris’s empanada with the green chile, mushroom and queso Oaxaca looks awesome, but not as awesome as Chuy’s goat. He screwed up by doing steamed cabbage instead of stuffed cabbage. LISTEN TO THE BIRTHDAY GIRL!
Huh, shocking. The mole was no good. Who could have predicted that?
Ok, Dakota’s cake looks a little better now with all the trimmings, but Heather’s looks like a Dalek made of flowers.
No surprises with the green team winning.
Tyler’s carne asada looked like crap, btw. “Cooking failure” indeed.
“We couldn’t find sour oranges, so we used clementines”. REALLY? WHAT THE FUCK? You couldn’t find something sour so you replaced it with THE SWEETEST TANGERINES ON EARTH? Here’s a tip from someone who worked in a Cuban restaurant that never had sour oranges. 2 parts orange juice; four parts lime juice. Unfuckingbelievable.
Regional differences aside; flour tortillas for enchiladas are an abomination.
They say Lindsey should be better at this challenge, having lived in Mexico, but she worked at a resort hotel, likely cooking for German tourists. Hardly a gateway to the complexity of Mexican cuisine.
Keith seems like a good guy, but buying precooked shrimp is still unforgivable.

Next week: PADMA ON A HORSE! PADMA ON A HORSE!
I’m so there.

Thursday Morning Quarterback: Episode Two

Posted on November 10, 2011 by Headchef

Thursday Morning Quarterback is a weekly attempt to humorously recap each new episode of Top Chef Texas on the Bravo Network (as if you didn’t know).
Beware; there are spoilers below!

Editor’s Note: No Tuesday post this week, but I’ll double your pleasure next week.

Hugh “Burt” Acheson brings a paperclip collection of knowledge to the proceedings.
Two Austin chefs in this group. Whoot!
The different time limits are a ridiculously tough challenge. If I only had 20 minutes to roast mushrooms, I would pee.
60 minutes to make oxtail? Impossible I say.
Laurent the fancy French chef from the Loire Valley. Smart enough to work in a three star restaurant; still uses a wire whisk in a nonstick pan.
“Mmmmm, ze delicious teflon”
Throwing stuff on a plate is never good.

“En France, yew eizer become ze cook, ze soldier or ze date rapeest.”
Rough way to go with the risotto.
“Ahhh yes, ze second chance on ze bubble.”
Watching cute hipster glasses girl fumble with the pressure cooker is painful to watch. Too bad she had to go.

“Oh, a cruise ship… Bwahahahaha!”
Bacon wrapped shrimp. Seriously. Like it’s the Sixties and shit.
Bunk beds are never cool.
That’s what you get for opening the Worcester sauce a sabrage.
I like how Emeril pronounces “paprika” as “pap-rikar”.
Nice to see all the Shiner beer on the shelves of the stew room.
Really nice to see Frenchie go this soon.
Do you think Emeril and Acheson each have their own eyebrow stylist or do they share? Is that a competitive field?

Interesting to see the sweet sixteen in place. It’s hard to say who the strongest competitors are, so I’m looking forward to seeing the first actual competition next week.
OOOOOOOH DRAMA!
Wait, what? All night competition for the last spot? HOLY CRAP! Can’t wait.

Thursday Morning Quarterback: Episode One

Posted on November 3, 2011 by Headchef

Thursday Morning Quarterback is a weekly attempt to humorously recap each new episode of Top Chef Texas on the Bravo Network (as if you didn’t know).
Beware; there are spoilers below!

With the Longhorns and Cowboy seasons busted, the Rangers loosing the World Series and the Mavs locked out; this will be the closest thing to Texas sports I’ll have for awhile until the UT basketball team gets jobbed by the refs mid-march. Here are my thoughts on the first episode:

Thirty seconds in and they’ve already said “everything’s bigger in Texas” one too many times. I do like the 30 chef field though.
“I don’t like having to compete for the top 16″
- Some bitch who probably won’t make it to the top 16.
BAM! Emeril!
Pink bandana is the new carpetbag.
Unemployed chefs on Top chef? Topical.

The single cut of pig opening challenge is good. I thought they might do something a little more San Antonio-themed, but this is a quality challenge for figuring out where everybody stands.
Wait- are any of these cooks from the South, let alone Texas? WTF?
“I’m a personal chef for celebrities and know everything. How do you cut pork chops again?”
I love you for kicking that dickweed Tyler out, Tom Colicchio.
“You didn’t get to taste my perfectly cooked pork chop I couldn’t make”
Ass.
It’s amazing how much trouble group one had. I thought this opening challenge was way more manageable than the previous opening eliminations where they judged everyone on how they chopped onions. I would never get past that.
Tom is obviously an intimidating judge, but Emeril has some scary intensity bubbling below the surface. If he ever yelled at me in a kitchen scenario; I can’t promise I wouldn’t cry.

Caribbean cruise thinks she had a good dish. Tenderloin and green beans.
But I repeat.
I swear, there are STILL NO SOUTHERNERS IN THIS LINEUP!
Mmmmm, braised crispy pig ears. In soup, no less. Good stuff. Lofty stuff.

“I feel like this is a Chicago competition”- Sarah
Hey, why don’t you go eat a cat turd covered in neon green relish?

Kentucky, North Carolina, Atlanta… Much better.
Nice; different challenge for group two. Rabbit orgy.
Oh, Rick Bayless is your mentor. Might as well just hand you the prize.\
“My style is most similar to Richard Blaise and Michael Voltagio.”
Yeah, your hairstyle.

MY PLAN TO SLOWLY COOK FOOD IN A PLASTIC BAG IS NOT WORKING!
“Who does chocolate with rabbit? Not a lot of people.”
Yeah, just you and Spain. Very exclusive group.

Whitney is one to look out for. Keith too. Funny that two of the Southerners would have VERY well received dishes.

Confit leg of rabbit. Original.
The no-tattoo crew on the bubble. Cute.
I just turned into my grandma.

It’s shaping up to be an interesting season. The chefs so far seem to be a talented bunch, more so than some of the barrel-scraping attempts of previous seasons. It’s interesting that they’re stretching this playoff format over two episodes. It’s exciting, even if it means they won’t really explore the setting until the final lineup is decided.

Overall Grade: B+ Maybe.