This is what you get when you type "Shitty Beer" into Google image search.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Our long, dry off-season is almost over here at Reducer. Starting next week you can expect a regular column by Headchef every Tuesday, the second season of the Reducer Podcast, new recipes, news, travelogues, articles and a series of comedy podcasts that have nothing to do with food. More on that later; here’s the news:
The portion of our readers who are Minnesota residents have probably noticed that the sun has been shining a little brighter, birdsongs have been a little sweeter and food generally tastes better since the state government shut down a couple weeks ago.
Further compounding this glorious event is the news that, due to a lapse in their licensing payments with the state, MillerCoors will no longer be able to sell any of their brands of shitty beer in Minnesota until the shutdown ends. According the the Star Tribune; liquor retailers must begin pulling all MillerCoors products from store shelves “imminently”; meaning that all their products could be unavailable for sale within a few days.
Here’s a list of the affected brands:
Blue Moon Pale Moon Belgian Style Pale Ale, Coors Banquet, Coors Light, Coors Light 3.2, Foster’s Lager Beer, Foster’s Premium Ale, Grolsch Amber Ale, Grolsch Blonde Lager, Grolsch Light Lager, Grolsch Premium Lager, Hamm’s, Hamm’s Genuine Draft Style, Hamm’s Special Light, Henry Weinhard’s Dark, Henry Weinhard’s Hefeweizen, Henry Weinhard’s Pale Ale, Henry Weinhard’s Private Reserve, Icehouse Beer, Keystone Light Beer 3.2, Killians Irish Red 3.2, MGD Light 64, Mickey’s Ice Ale, Mickey’s Malt Liquor, Miller Genuine Draft, Miller High Life 12/16 oz can, Miller High Life Ice, Miller High Life Light 12 oz can, Miller Lite 3.2%, Miller Lite Beer, Milwaukee’s Best #1 , Milwaukee’s Best Ice, Milwaukee’s Best Light #1 3.2, Molson Canadian, Molson Canadian Light, Molson Golden, Molson Ice, Molson XXX, Olde English 800 Malt Liquor, Sparks Light
Pictured: The demographic most affected by the ban
I’m sure there are plenty of tasteless alcoholics who will be heartbroken about this development, as well as a few hipsters who didn’t previously realize that their beloved “microbrew” was first developed in one of America’s shittiest ballparks by the corporate megalith that is Coors.
As someone who almost exclusively drinks beers made in either Mexico or Texas; this story doesn’t really affect me or my Pacifico-drinking wife. When discussing this story; General BBQ pointed out that many smaller liquor stores, especially in small towns and poor neighborhoods, will essentially have their stock decimated by this. Most sporting events and concerts around town will be reduced to serving Budweiser and… that’s about it, unless they already have a stockpile of local beers.
Oh yeah; many Minnesota bars, restaurants and convenience stores are running out of liquor and tobacco, as they can no longer renew their licenses to purchase the non-Coors items that are still legal.
Having one segment of distributors cut off from the state is one thing, but leaving the purveyors without the means to, well, purvey anything to customers is going to destroy a lot of small business in this state if the shutdown continues. I was in a downtown convenience store just today and they were already running short on cigarettes; a mere 14 days into the shutdown.
Strange how, despite the de facto lack of a state government, they can still find the time to infringe on the right to buy and sell. This is bad for everyone, even non-smokers and non-drinkers, as liquor is usually the main profit source for restaurants. If the shutdown is still in effect and you start to see your favorite steakhouse or sushi bar have a dwindling liquor supply; look out. That establishment may not be long for this world.
The only winner in this, besides Mormons, is of course the state of Wisconsin; which over time will be flooded with trembling, thirsty Minnesotans desperate for cartons of cigarettes, bottles of booze and restaurants that don’t resemble ghost towns.
If only there was some set of images that encapsulated the slow death of the state of Minnesota in contrast with Wisconsin’s increasing ascendancy.
Yup. That about does it.