Thursday Morning Quarterback is a weekly attempt to humorously recap each new episode of Top Chef Texas on the Bravo Network (as if you didn’t know).
Beware; there are spoilers below!

Editors Note: Yeah yeah yeah. Computer and DVR problems rule my life. Get over it.
Here we go:

EPISODE FOUR:

• Gross- the competition is sponsored by “Healthy Choice”. I miss Glad Bags already.
• Chiles, Chiles, Chiles- nothing makes me happier.
• The Ghost Chile is NOT the hottest chile in the world. That would be the Guatemalan Insanity Pepper; grown in the jungle by inmates of an insane asylum.
• Paul Qui goes for the ghost pepper. Go big or go home.
  (I typed that before he said it. Spooky)
• I swear up and down that Richie was not born a male (Notthatthere’sanythingwrongwiththat); Mrs. Headchef is still on the fence about it. What do you think?
• Who makes a fucking habanero popper? This ain’t TGIFridays. (Then she finishes in the top three, of course)
• Woooooo! I’m telling you that Paul is not to be messed with.
• ALL NIGHT TO COOK? Spoiled bastards.
• Cubed chuck; onions; tomatoes; chili powder; a little corn masa; salt. Anything more and YOU INSULT THE GREAT STATE OF TEXAS!
• Bwaaa! TOM!
• I can’t believe they’re using brisket in their chili. What a waste of a luxurious cut of meat, especially considering that the long cooking time will cause the meat to disintegrate. I predict angry cowboys.
• Peaches? PEACHES? This ain’t Fredricksburg.
• One hour is not a lot of time to reheat chili without scorching it. I deal with that once a week at my restaurant job and it’s no party.
• Kind of surprised that no team attempted a chili verde. Huh.
• Huh. The brisket chili is stringy. Shocking.
• BEANS HAVE NO BUSINESS IN CHILI! Ok- maybe in whatever yankee carpetbagger state you come from, but certainly not in Tix-ass.
• “There’s no crying in cooking”-Nyesha. Yeah, not in front of any other chefs anyway.
• Padma on a horse.
• Ooh- double elimination challenge with the leftover chili. I suggest a walking taco.
• Sad to see Richie go home. He had a very ambitious style, and I honestly thought he was a contender.

ON TO EPISODE FIVE:

• 14 chefs remain. WHO YA GOT?
• Moving on to Dallas. HOME OF THE COWBOYS! THE MAVERICKS! THE RANGERS! J.R. EWING! YEEEEEHAW!
• “Isn’t Dolly Parton from Dallas?”- Beverly. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Every third Dolly song mentions she’s from the Smokey Mountains of Tennessee. You deserve to be eliminated on that dumb comment alone, you freaking crybaby.
• Wow. Chris used to be a little on the husky side.
• Road block. I feel like there are better uses for TX state troopers, namely, targeting out of state drivers with a ruthless efficiency.
• You can use anything you find in the field? Does that include cow chips and mesquite?
• You might as well run backwards through that cornfield, as that’s feedcorn unfit for human consumption, and you ain’t got time to nixtamalize it.
• Oh wow, the corn was too dry. The corn from those drying stalks of feedcorn. Shocking.
• Lindsey’s little soup and sandwich was cute. Glad she won the challenge. What the hell is a Vienna sausage, though?
• STFU, Dakota. Nobody likes you.
• That’s some hotel room. Some neighborhood. Some house. Nobody does classless opulence like Dallas.
• No peppers or cilantro. Welcome to Dallas; a city most Texans find to be as Northeastern as Boston.
• Dude in the pink shirt (gummy bear lover) went to his stylist and asked for the “Mark Cuban”.
• During a bump the editors threw in a shot of Dealey Plaza. Classy. Strange that they didn’t highlight Ford’s Theater during Top Chef DC.
• Wow, those are some ugly kitchens.
• I think they’re singling out Beverly just to make her cry now.
• Have I mentioned what a fierce competitor Paul is? I’m developing a serious mancrush.
• “If you wanted it to look like a cigar, clearly it was a pretty poorly rolled one. Obviously little Dominican children did not make them”- Mrs Headchef
• Oh wow, seared diver scallops. Nobody EVER makes those.
• Dakota’s plate looks like a pile of monkey poop.
• Nothing like an after-dinner margarita. Or ten.
• PAUL DOMINATES AGAIN! AUSTIN REPRESENT!
• Chuy really dropped the ball on this one. Sad, because I like a lot of his dishes.
• Chris certainly let out his inner fat kid. Too bad that fat kid went to Old Country Buffet.
• I really can’t believe that Chuy’s dish was worse than Chris’ dessert or the lame cigar. That’s a real shocker.

Okay, see you on time this Thursday morning. From the Southfork Ranch? AWESOME.