Apologies to our loyal fanbase; we never meant to take the whole month of December off.
Just as soon as I can get my stupid phone to synch with the computer I’ll post The Martes Chronicle Holiday recap, catch up on the last 3(!) episodes of Top Chef Texas and release the 2(!) podcasts we’ve recorded this last month.
So give us a week and you can look forward to DATA DUMP JANUARY!
Thanks for your patience as we navigate this stressful time of year.
-The Staff at Reducer Network.
Thursday Morning Quarterback is a weekly attempt to humorously recap each new episode of Top Chef Texas on the Bravo Network (as if you didn’t know).
Beware; there are spoilers below!
Editors Note: Yeah yeah yeah. Computer and DVR problems rule my life. Get over it.
Here we go:
- Gross- the competition is sponsored by “Healthy Choice”. I miss Glad Bags already.
- Chiles, Chiles, Chiles- nothing makes me happier.
- The Ghost Chile is NOT the hottest chile in the world. That would be the Guatemalan Insanity Pepper; grown in the jungle by inmates of an insane asylum.
- Paul Qui goes for the ghost pepper. Go big or go home.
(I typed that before he said it. Spooky)
- I swear up and down that Richie was not born a male (Notthatthere’sanythingwrongwiththat); Mrs. Headchef is still on the fence about it. What do you think?
- Who makes a fucking habanero popper? This ain’t TGIFridays. (Then she finishes in the top three, of course)
- Woooooo! I’m telling you that Paul is not to be messed with.
- ALL NIGHT TO COOK? Spoiled bastards.
- Cubed chuck; onions; tomatoes; chili powder; a little corn masa; salt. Anything more and YOU INSULT THE GREAT STATE OF TEXAS!
- Bwaaa! TOM!
- I can’t believe they’re using brisket in their chili. What a waste of a luxurious cut of meat, especially considering that the long cooking time will cause the meat to disintegrate. I predict angry cowboys.
- Peaches? PEACHES? This ain’t Fredricksburg.
- One hour is not a lot of time to reheat chili without scorching it. I deal with that once a week at my restaurant job and it’s no party.
- Kind of surprised that no team attempted a chili verde. Huh.
- Huh. The brisket chili is stringy. Shocking.
- BEANS HAVE NO BUSINESS IN CHILI! Ok- maybe in whatever yankee carpetbagger state you come from, but certainly not in Tix-ass.
- “There’s no crying in cooking”-Nyesha. Yeah, not in front of any other chefs anyway.
- Padma on a horse.
- Ooh- double elimination challenge with the leftover chili. I suggest a walking taco.
- Sad to see Richie go home. He had a very ambitious style, and I honestly thought he was a contender.
ON TO EPISODE FIVE:
- 14 chefs remain. WHO YA GOT?
- Moving on to Dallas. HOME OF THE COWBOYS! THE MAVERICKS! THE RANGERS! J.R. EWING! YEEEEEHAW!
- “Isn’t Dolly Parton from Dallas?”- Beverly. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Every third Dolly song mentions she’s from the Smokey Mountains of Tennessee. You deserve to be eliminated on that dumb comment alone, you freaking crybaby.
- Wow. Chris used to be a little on the husky side.
- Road block. I feel like there are better uses for TX state troopers, namely, targeting out of state drivers with a ruthless efficiency.
- You can use anything you find in the field? Does that include cow chips and mesquite?
- You might as well run backwards through that cornfield, as that’s feedcorn unfit for human consumption, and you ain’t got time to nixtamalize it.
- Oh wow, the corn was too dry. The corn from those drying stalks of feedcorn. Shocking.
- Lindsey’s little soup and sandwich was cute. Glad she won the challenge. What the hell is a Vienna sausage, though?
- STFU, Dakota. Nobody likes you.
- That’s some hotel room. Some neighborhood. Some house. Nobody does classless opulence like Dallas.
- No peppers or cilantro. Welcome to Dallas; a city most Texans find to be as Northeastern as Boston.
- Dude in the pink shirt (gummy bear lover) went to his stylist and asked for the “Mark Cuban”.
- During a bump the editors threw in a shot of Dealey Plaza. Classy. Strange that they didn’t highlight Ford’s Theater during Top Chef DC.
- Wow, those are some ugly kitchens.
- I think they’re singling out Beverly just to make her cry now.
- Have I mentioned what a fierce competitor Paul is? I’m developing a serious mancrush.
- “If you wanted it to look like a cigar, clearly it was a pretty poorly rolled one. Obviously little Dominican children did not make them”- Mrs Headchef
- Oh wow, seared diver scallops. Nobody EVER makes those.
- Dakota’s plate looks like a pile of monkey poop.
- Nothing like an after-dinner margarita. Or ten.
- PAUL DOMINATES AGAIN! AUSTIN REPRESENT!
- Chuy really dropped the ball on this one. Sad, because I like a lot of his dishes.
- Chris certainly let out his inner fat kid. Too bad that fat kid went to Old Country Buffet.
- I really can’t believe that Chuy’s dish was worse than Chris’ dessert or the lame cigar. That’s a real shocker.
Okay, see you on time this Thursday morning. From the Southfork Ranch? AWESOME.