Thursday Morning Quarterback is a weekly attempt to humorously recap each new episode of Top Chef Texas on the Bravo Network (as if you didn’t know).
Beware; there are spoilers below!

Here we go with the sweet sixteen! Let’s get to it.

• Paul Qui is an early favorite for me, and not just cause I’ve eaten at one of his restaurants.
• I love how they’re ignoring H-Town for this season. Huck Fouston.
• Don’t be shocked by Keith Rhodes past in prison. Cooking is the # 1 profession among ex cons. No joke.
• Cobraaaaas!
• I’ve cooked and eaten snake a couple of times in the Idaho desert. The amazing thing about them is how little effort they require to make a tasty dish. You can poach a whole snake in salted water and the end product tastes like herb-roasted chicken.
• I dig Beverly’s rattlesnake nigiri. I would seriously consider suspending my kosher status to try it.
• I’ve mentioned on a few podcasts how my dream is to cook the quinceañera circuit. Still waiting for that to happen.
• So whoever gets stuck with the cake is going home? Maybe not. Can you tell I write this as I watch the episode?
• I can’t wait till they go to the monster flagship Whole Foods in Austin. It’s the Death Star of community supported agriculture.
• Three hours is not a good amount of time for prepping Mexican food. It takes me three days total to make a mole from scratch, including stock. No way their mole is going to nearly as good as it could be.
• How does a seafood guy decide to purchase cooked shrimp? Unbelievable.
• Dakota’s cake looks like the clothes my grandmother bought me in the 80′s.
• They didn’t hand-make the tortillas? Hacks. All of them.
• Why is Hugh dressed like Forrest Gump?
• This girl knows her chicharon.
• Ewww. Tilapia ceviche? UNCOOKED GARBAGE FISH!
• “Like it or not; Keith has made a burrito”. Well put, Hugh.
• Glad to see the judges are as upset about the prefab tortillas as I am.
• Chris’s empanada with the green chile, mushroom and queso Oaxaca looks awesome, but not as awesome as Chuy’s goat. He screwed up by doing steamed cabbage instead of stuffed cabbage. LISTEN TO THE BIRTHDAY GIRL!
• Huh, shocking. The mole was no good. Who could have predicted that?
• Ok, Dakota’s cake looks a little better now with all the trimmings, but Heather’s looks like a Dalek made of flowers.
• No surprises with the green team winning.
• Tyler’s carne asada looked like crap, btw. “Cooking failure” indeed.
• “We couldn’t find sour oranges, so we used clementines”. REALLY? WHAT THE FUCK? You couldn’t find something sour so you replaced it with THE SWEETEST TANGERINES ON EARTH? Here’s a tip from someone who worked in a Cuban restaurant that never had sour oranges. 2 parts orange juice; four parts lime juice. Unfuckingbelievable.
• Regional differences aside; flour tortillas for enchiladas are an abomination.
• They say Lindsey should be better at this challenge, having lived in Mexico, but she worked at a resort hotel, likely cooking for German tourists. Hardly a gateway to the complexity of Mexican cuisine.
• Keith seems like a good guy, but buying precooked shrimp is still unforgivable.

Next week: PADMA ON A HORSE! PADMA ON A HORSE!
I’m so there.